I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
