do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
