the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
