Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
