My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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