That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
