I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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