Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
