Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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