All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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