Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
