the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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