I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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