The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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