Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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