I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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