can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
