I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
