Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
