I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
