Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
