Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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