So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
