I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
