if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
