After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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