How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
