So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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