my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
We got so high we made milksteak
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
