I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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