Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
