You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
