I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
