Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
