I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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