ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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