i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
