if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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