Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
