My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
