Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
