Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
