you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
