i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
