The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
