I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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