So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
