The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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