Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
