Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
