Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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