First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
A bitchslap is in order.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
